Desire

I have been totally remiss about posting my blogs and have decided that my problem (other than discipline: see last post) is set in desire. I did not desire to spend what little time I had in the recent past on blogging. But the desire is returning and added to that is this niggling in my brain to finish what I started.

I have always been driven to finish what I started. When I was in nursing school, I watched as others dropped out like flies. They dropped after the first few days all the way to the end of the semester! I could understand after a few days, I figure that they decided they didn't have the desire, drive, and fortitude that it took to do the work. But by the second week I felt that I had went to far to drop out!

I have watched the same thing happen while I plodded through the lessons of my spiritual group. From the very beginning we were told that most that start, do not finish. I personally thought that was silly. The written lessons, filled with material, were tough yes, but not impossibly hard.

Then I got to my second degree and found out that, yes, Virginia, there is a Hel. And I had been dropped right in the middle of it. Not to be confused with the Christian version of hell. Oh no, nothing that fun. This is a Hel of our own making and I would like to refer you to a little piece of literature called "The Dark Night of the Soul" The second degree is where you meet your darkside, that insidious being that is yourself, the one that makes you doubt yourself. The one who wants to hold on to all the pain of the past because it is better to have what you know (even if it's bad) than nothing at all. Your darkside is not happy and doesn't believe you should be happy either. But it's YOUR job to bring that darkness out into the light, examine it, learn it's lessons, and let it go.

Unfortunately, so many people can't get past that and they get stuck in there personal Hel, sometimes never seeing the light. I personally believe that it was desire to get out of the dark that drove me through. After all, after the first couple of weeks, I had went to far to stop.

ps. Don't get me wrong. Getting out of your second degree doesn't mean that everything is all happiness and light. Occasionally one of those shadows from the darkside reals its ugly head, but now I have the tools to fight them back without succumbing to them.

Blessings, MoD